I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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