i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
