i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
