We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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