do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
