so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
