I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
