I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
