I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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