highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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