I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
time to smoke my breakfast
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
