i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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