I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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