Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.