She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
