I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
