I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
