remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
