Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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