I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
