If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
