i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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