i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
