I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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