She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
