I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I could make wine with my vomit
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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