i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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