I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
