I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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