the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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