carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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