that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
