I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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