I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
