When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
