sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
