That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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