Already got asked if we're dating
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
