I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
