matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
