ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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