two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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