Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
