You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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