I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
