I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
