Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
