The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
