The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
