I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
