My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
