We're facebook friends in real life
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
