i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
