Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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