did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
