she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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