Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
